I have not yet found faith. I fear that this is what might be holding me back from many things in my life. I fear death. I will often find myself obsessing about dieing wondering what will happen. Will I just end? Is there a higher power that will absorb our mind or soul after death? These are things that I cannot seem to get out of my mind sometimes.  I believe that my lack of faith comes from the major in which I am pursuing. I am a scientist I want facts and proofs. I seem to have a hard time of just believing to believe. There are also facts that I have learned from classes I have taken. Things such as evolution, dreams, and cognition have steered my mind off faith. I tell myself that when I die my life will be continued. My mind seems to have doubts about the whole thing.  So what should I do? Continue to live life doubting with fear or search out faith. I have no idea were to find faith if I wanted to search it out. I have over come many obstacles and fears. Is this a fear that can be overcome?  I have a hard time talking about death and I think that this is why I want to find a faith.  I do not want to fear death. I want to be happy with dieing so that I can be happy with living. With out faith, I right now question if living and going to school is at all worth anything.    

Currently Playing Josh Gracin By Josh Gracin Nothing to lose see related

I was talking to a girl from work the other day and in the middle of our conversation I had realized something that I had been trying to deny. When I was in preschool and elementary school and even middle school I thought I would stay in contact with all of my friends that I had made. I realized while talking with her that I had not kept in touch with one person from preschool, elementary school, middle school or even anybody from high school. I believe that in the past two months I have only talked, and I mean really talked not just a hello and a bye, with two people. I then started to think about how many friends I had while attending school. I felt as though I had acquaintances not true friends. Just people I got to know and learn a little bit about them but how many were actual friends, one maybe two. Then I started to think about what a friend really is. I guess it depends on what you see or think a friend is. Some may think that a friend is some one who you hang out with and talk with. To me, a friend is a little more. A friend is someone who will take you for who you are and not want to change you. Someone who likes being around you and would never think about not hanging out with you. A shoulder to cry on, an experience to laugh at, a moment to be embarrassed about, and a person to be scared with. Once I started to think about this I realized that the qualities I see in a friend could apply to some of the people I have had enter my life. So my rational of the whole situation, believing that I had not kept in touch with friends because they were not my friends, blew up in my face. I began to see that it was my own fault for not keeping in touch. Not calling and not hanging out with them. After talking with some people about my disappointment that I had not stayed close with people I cared about I realized that people are not meant to stay in your life. Some people you meet might only stay in your life for a short time and others longer.  I have finally lain to rest one of my fears. I still have many people that need to enter my life and I am ready for that.  

I have to go. Will write again soon.

I was sitting around thinking last night after getting home.  I started to think about how unique life is. How you grow up thinking that you can do or be what ever you want. I was told that with enough will power I could do anything. Now that I am nineteen and have been through many obstacles I realized how bogus that statement is.  Can anyone person control life? Is it possible to control that person, who is drunk and gets behind the wheel of a car, from killing anyone, including your loved ones? No it is not possible to control anyone persons actions.  Can you stop a brain tumor from forming in someone you love and care about? No you can not control nature. I realize that the statement does not mean controlling life. However, I would classify controlling life as anything! Growing up that is what I wanted to do. Control my life and the things that happened in it. I wanted to pave my own path as I was told many times I could. I am what many people call obsessive, a perfectionist and I will not deny that. This could very well be the reason why I have a hard time dealing with life. The hard thing is I know that life is not perfect and that nothing can be, so why do I strive to reach perfection? I guess you can say it is my mind set. I do not understand what doing nothing or having no goals, no ambitions, would do for a person. I strive for perfection to make my life better.  I guess you could call it a security. For me I believe that if I try to be perfect and do the right thing that my life will be easier to pave. My sand will be level and the stones will fall nicely into place. I feel that if my stones are set and laid level then I can not trip or stumble while walking. It sounds silly but to me it is the way I live my life.

 I must go now but I plan to write again soon. Autumn